so things are better now, i guess. i dont really know. whatever.

it seems that xanga has lost its cool in the past year. im sorry xanga. RIP

and yet im blogging right now because, well, ive just got nothing damn better to do. i have 3 papers to write for school and a book report, all due this month. yay for march!

i am also kind of hungry. and i have a math test next period. joyness.

so here i go, im gonna start ranting about my babee because im never too bored to talk about him ^.^

lets see...i love his lips his eyes his skin his hair his scent his body his hands his voice his touch his walk his smile his face his arms his stomach his unmentionables lol his embrace his kiss his heart his soul his singing his laugh his taste his...everything.

wow. that makes you think the word "his" is really weird after reading all that.

im OBSESSED with my bf and theres nothing wrong with that. i hate the distance between us but its nothing i can help. my whole life ive had this feeling thatd id never find someone who would find true love in me because i was afraid itd never last since i was always moving from place to place. now its not so much, we have a house, but its still over an hour away from him so it hurts. i know i must get annoying calling him every day and its always the same routine, i know it makes me feel sick sometimes to not be with him when i feel cold and alone inside. i dont know if he ever gets that way. sure, he calls me sometimes earlier than usual just to say "hey babe, whats up" and talk but he never has anything to talk about for very long. not that theres a problem with just hearing his breathing on the other end, knowing that hes there... i just wish i could be a little more exciting for him. i try to think of things that we can do when we see eachother but anything i come up with he usually doesnt like so its very hard for me to do. there are only so many options we have when time, money, and distance are the factors. it sucks. and i know that ive told him all this before, i know he gets tired of me sometimes and gets tired of hearing me say these same things over and over again. i cant help myself. i wish i knew what to do, but i cant think of anything else. its so gray outside and bland, now i know why my mom is so desperately depressed over in england during the winter. constantly gray. its just not fitting for her. i love my babee. more than i can ever tell him without sounding mushy or overly-dramatic. i just wonder if maybe im overdoing it. i know that ive never felt THIS way towards any guy before and i know that we've been dating for almost two years now yet im still tossing and turning. maybe im just bored. not with him but just right now, sitting here, im bored. and im not even tired too. lately i havent wanted to sleep...in comparison to last week where all i wanted to do was sleep. but when i dont take a nap afterschool theres nothing for me to do for 3 hours. no one to talk to, i go online at night, nothing is on tv, i dont want to eat, no good games to play and ugh god it kills. mandy left me today because her cramps hurt too bad - boo hoo! she took tylonol yesterday and was still bitching and asking ppl for meds i was like wtf you need to chill...and she was doing the same thing today. i got a news flash for her: tylonol doesnt work like magic, it takes a few mintues for it to kick in. taking MORE medicine isnt going to make it go away quicker, itll just make you feel even sicker. that rhymed...-.-" what to do....times almost up. im so excited. for anyone who just bothered to sit through all this and actually read, you deserve a fucking medal. because i sure as hell wouldnt have sat and listened to one of my friends/some random persons ramblings for so long. not unless i was utterly bored to death, which i might be later today. so basically, im obsessed with my bf like hes the hawtest drug, and my friends are lame. yeah.

yknow what, if you read all that, i want you to go to my myspace and leave me a message or a comment saying that you did. ill leave you something special.

www.myspace.com/riku21   <<<<my site is pimp you'll see lol

LOTS OF LOVE AND LISTLESS KISSES <3

with every breath i take im so confused.

with every word that comes out of my mouth, its getting worse.

and every thought that crosses my mind burries me even deeper in frustration.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS BOY?! this isnt even supposed to be happening. i barely know anything about him, even though i know two of his biggest, deepest, darkest secrets that no one else knows. yeah, so what if hes like my twin? so what if he really understands and accepts who i am and what i believe in? so what if hes like a perfect match for me? i have a boyfriend and i am in LOVE. so what are theses feelings that im getting for him? and why does he keep sending me these signals that are fucking up my head even more??

im frightened. and i just want him to hold me.

where is my guardian angel...?

-meg-

i swear to artemis, i think im gonna die.

i found my twin brother. either that or hes a platonic soul mate.

oh hey and guess what? his name is john too. what a fuckin coincidence huh? hes so awesome though, i mean i cant even explain. him and i are almost exactly alike and im not even kidding. haha wow...i knew there was something between us. i just didnt know how to say it at first.

w00t life is suh-weet

and no, im not gonna let things roll over like with you-know-who. its different this time, and ive learned my lesson.

<3

“My Worst Mistake”  ©Megan Mehl

Silent words fall into madness

And slipping off the brink of sadness

A thousand tears have fallen

Hands and knees, I’m crawlin’

Should have known your thoughts were careless

Empty out the bottle

Carve a name into the wall

Handing out devices

That are sure to heed the desperate call

Breaking down defenses

As your senses are erased

Bleed it out so you can escape

A hopeless romantic gone fatally wrong

He tore out the soul, never cared all along

He told me he loved me then pushed far away

Destroying myself can wait

You were my worst mistake

An endless chain of tragedies

Our chances were insanity

A hundred dreams have ended

Because of your pretendin’

Distance made it complicating

Fall into the darkness

Carve a bullet with your name

Handing out devices

That are sure to stop the seething pain

Putting up defenses

As your senses fade away

Scream it out so you can escape

A hopeless romantic left out in the dark

He tore out the soul, and it tore me apart

He told me he loved me but now it was fake

Destroying what’s left can wait

You were my worst mistake

You used me, you hurt me

I’ll never forget

My memory will haunt you

Long after you’re dead

I won’t let this kill me

I want you to leave me

Why does it haunt me instead?

Fall into the darkness

It is sure to stop the pain…

Scream it so you can escape…!

Today we’re in the computer lab for English, so I figured I’d make an entry because I never do what I’m supposed to do while we’re in here anyway. Yesterday was an awesome day in terms of progress with my new years resolutions. For some reason, I woke up feeling no regret or remorse towards my falling out with Anthony. No pain or suffering or longing….just nothing. And it was so great to be so relieved from all of that. I don’t know why it happened so suddenly but its all over now – I am finally FREE. Not just of Anthony, but I am FREE of my past. I’ve waited for so long for this day to come….

So yesterday I totally burned Anthony. He did one of those disappearing acts where he says he “disappears into the shadows” so I told him “whatever fag, have fun playing make believe in your closet”. Haha the only thing he could come up with was “fuck you bitch” and blocked me. Oh I’m so offended! Anthony called me a bitch, whatever shall I do with myself? I just cant go on living! Haha yeah right like a give a shit what he thinks of me anymore. Then later I told him about his karma and that he deserves much, much worse from me than what he got. And its true…he’s spoken rudely to my friends when they have done nothing wrong, and he has betrayed and abandoned me. I can never forgive him for all the suffering he put me through. Someday I will visit his family and it’ll be wonderful to meet them all, but as for Ant, I cant say the same. All my dreams, hope, and expectations have been shot down because of what hes done to us. But its not going to keep me from living.

I was evil yesterday if you cant tell ^.^

Hmmm…boys are so funny. Losers. Buuuut I wont say the same about John – hes only a loser sometimes. But hey we all have our moments.

WOW this would be a GREAT time for a breakthrough…*wink*

meg <3